How to Get Your Kid to Fall Asleep on his Own* for Only $79.99

posted in: Humor, Large Family | 4

Post contains affiliate linksHow to get your kid to fall asleep on his own.

*And by “on his own” I obviously mean with the help of melatonin and his brothers who share a bunk with him.

How to get you kid to fall asleep on his own.

Step One: Give birth to a beautiful baby

This part is easy!

[If you define easy as nine months of “morning” sickness, an ambulance ride with your husband literally holding your baby’s umbilical cord in place (before you give birth) and an emergency c-section as “easy”.]

How to get you kid to fall asleep on his own.

Step Two: Make sure you baby never, ever, sleeps for more than 15-20 minutes at a time.

Yes, friends. I love my Maya Wrap and my Ergo. Stuffing my baby in and wearing him 24 hours a day did not help.

At all.

Double Aortic Arch Division Seattle Children's Hospital

Step Three: Make sure baby has several surgeries.

Make sure he develops such severe anxiety that the doctor medicates him…which in turn makes his airway collapse, which leads the doctors to discover yet more wrong with his heart.

Step Four: Make sure he has several more surgeries.

Just to make sure the anxiety around sleep grows (not shrinks) over time.

How to get your kid to go to sleep on his own.

Step Six: Get a feeding tube placed.

He might not be able to sleep, but hey, now he can eat! Talk to the doctor about your child’s sleep. Try not to cry when she tells you, Sorry, eating trumps sleep. You can’t work on sleep until he is gaining weight and growing”.

How to get your kid to go to sleep on his own.

Step Seven: Wait until your kid is old enough to reason with.

Promise him anything in the world he wants if he will only go to sleep on his own. Without you having to lay in bed with him until he drifts off to dreamland.

[Apollo came up with the idea that he would go to bed on his own for seven weeks to earn the LEGO set he wanted.

I told him three weeks would do just fine.]

Step Eight: Establish a new bedtime routine.

That includes brothers but not you. Keep track on the calendar.How to get your kid to fall asleep on his own.

Step Nine: Buy the LEGO Batcave

Sure, it cost me $79.99…but if you divide that up over seven years….it is really only about $7.99 a year. Or, to look at it another way, $0.95 a month! I would have paid a buck a month to have Apollo fall asleep on his own when he was a baby…or even a few months ago.

So you see, my friends, it is a wise investment.

Now, all I have to do it given him his melatonin (I love this brand, only .5 mg melatonin and includes chamomile), read him a story, make sure his brothers are in bed, and walk out of the room.

Easy. Peasy.

You’re welcome and I’m glad I could help.

If you enjoyed this post you will also enjoy How to Sleep Train Your Parents.

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

Facebook Comments

4 Responses

  1. Nice job!!
    Now if you only had the secret to keeping a child in their own bed all night long…

    Our nearly 6 year old has many of the same struggles as Apollo, but her severe anxiety is mostly due to adoption trauma and FASD. Melatonin gets her to sleep, but she ends up every night on the floor in our room. (A compromise to get her out of our bed). She just started kindergarten, and has extreme separation anxiety. I homeschooled the other 3 for elementary school, but I feel like she needs to realize that she’s okay without me. So far it’s not working. I love reading about your success with Apollo becoming his own person. I know his situation is different, but trauma is trauma, right? Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    • I love the line “he may not be able to sleep but he can eat . . .”
      One of ours didn’t sleep through the night until he was five. The other two slept fine most of the time, though nightmares or thunderstorms drove them into our bed.
      I think a kid with adoption traumas and (if I understand) the limited cognitive understanding of an FASD child should still, at six, be allowed in your bed if she can settle and be quiet. My hunch is that if you let her in she won’t demand it all the time. If she needs you, she needs you. Sounds okay to me. If she were twelve and still wanting to climb in bed with mom, that would be a different order of problem.

  2. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The good news is there is only 2 children asleep on my bedroom floor instead of the usual four. The bad news is the other two aren’t in their own room they are 3 hours away with grandparents.

Please share your thoughts!