Mother’s Day Gifts Moms Actually Want

posted in: Humor, Large Family | 28

Forget the flowers, here are the Mother's Day gifts moms actually want.

In case you didn’t know, Mother’s Day is coming up in less than a week. I realize that all of you are so organized, you probably already have a gift: selected, purchased, wrapped and sent. Or not. Either way, I’m here to help with a list of Mother’s Day Gifts Moms Actually Want. 

1. A good night’s sleep.

This is what moms actually want. But if that is too much to ask (and we all know it is) how about 3-4 hours of sleep alone, in a bed. With clean sheets (or at least ones that don’t smell like vomit, dirty feet or urine). A bed with no soggy diapers, no action figures, no snoring husband, no feverish child, no dogs or cats or wilted dandelions. Oh, and husbands, skip the rose petals. Those would only make a mess and more laundry for mom.

2. A full cup of coffee. Or tea.  

Oh, I don’t mean just a cup full of coffee. Any mom can pour a full cup of coffee. I mean a full cup* for her to drink. Without interruption, without being spilled, without worrying about a baby scalding his/her hands while s/he tries to fish out his teething toy. Or LEGO. Or ball of lint which “accidentally” fell in. Three times. A cup of coffee that mom can sip without once needing to: breastfeed a small human, change a poopy diaper or be Elsa from Frozen.

*Bonus points if she gets to drink out on an actual mug instead of a sippy cup. 

3. Clean Clothes.

Ones without spit-up or strained peas or organic soy milk or snot or Goldfish cracker crumbs or kitty litter or play dough or poop or “washable” marker. Clothes that have been actually laundered. Once.  Not washed three times because she kept forgetting them in the washer and they started to smell. Not ones that have been spot-cleaned with baby wipes. Not “clean” because they were on the top of the dirty laundry basket or on the floor beside her bed. 

4. A trip. [to the bathroom] Alone.

Very likely before that special lady became a mother, her fantasy of TRIP included the beach, or mountains, or sailing. It probably did not include sitting on a porcelain chair taking care of business. I guarantee you, however, that any mother with a child under age of 10 fantasizes about this. About a trip to the Ladies’ Room alone. A trip with no frantic knocking on the door. A  trip where no one is shoving notes under the door asking for more cookies. A trip where children don’t answer the phone with “my mom can’t talk right now she’s pooping”. A trip where her son does not stick a Matchbox car through the crack, then scream when she don’t return. All she wants is a trip to the bathroom to relieve herself. The relaxing kind of trip dads have because we all know children don’t follow dad to the bathroom…only mom. 

5. A home cooked meal. That wasn’t cooked by her.

Who doesn’t love a home cooked meal? A mom, that’s who. A mom who has to plan the meal, prep the meal, cook the meal and clean up after the meal. All the while hearing about how little Augustus is going to die because a pea touched the mashed potatoes, Johnny can’t eat the meatloaf because he just discovered it comes from cows and “cows have faces” and little Prunella only eats cold mac and cheese and baby carrots dipped in ketchup. 

6. An equal number of sippy cups and lids. 

Remember the dreaded story problems in math class? And how everyone hated them and how you always wondered when you would need to use them in life? Well, here’s another one for you:

Q: If Sally buys six sippy cups and six lids, how long will it take before she has three cups and nine lids…none of which fit on the cups? 

A: 18.6 minutes. 

How does this happen? No one knows. Just as you will never, ever end up with the same number of socks you started once you open the package, you will never, ever have the same number of sippy cups and lids. It’s just not possible. 

So there you have it, the perfect Mother’s Day gift for every mom! 

What would your perfect Mother’s Day gift be?

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28 Responses

  1. Inga Sigurdson

    I would love all of these gifts! I am a single parent, though, so they are not likely. A local thrift store had a cute idea for Mother’s Day this past Saturday. They held a kids’ shopping day. The staff set up 2 tables inside with small gifts ranging from $0.50-$5.00. Outside, they set up tables for Mom to sit, coffee, and snacks. Mom then handed her little ones off to the staff, who helped each child choose a gift. They had a wrapping station, too. Each child chose the gift wrap and ribbons, and the ladies wrapped the gifts. Then all I had to do was come inside and pay for my own gifts! I had seen a few things on the tables I thought I might like to have. When I went in to pay, ALL of those items were still on the tables! Oh well, can’t win them all!

    • bakersdozenandapolloxiv

      That is a great idea! I wonder what you’ll end up with…

  2. ssmazzon

    love this post!!!

    • bakersdozenandapolloxiv

      Thank you. Which one would be your favorite gift?

  3. nancy from mass

    How about someone cleaning your car windows! Mine always seem to be filthy and even though i keep thinking I need to make time to clean them, they never get done (vacuuming, laundry, dishes, whatever, gets in the way).

    I would love that for mothers day!

    • bakersdozenandapolloxiv

      We have three kids saving up for a trip to Alaska, so we have been giving them jobs to earn their plane tickets. Saturday I got my dining room floor mopped and my van cleaned and vacuumed!

      • nancy from mass

        Lucky You!!!! we don’t have anything i can bribe (i mean, pay) my teen with right now….i’ll have to come up with something…

  4. This is too funny! I think I’d add to this, “five minutes on the phone without it sounding like a crime is being committed in the background.” ;p

  5. LlamaMama

    I would add a long hot shower where nobody is banging on the door and when the water is turned off, there is nothing but pure silence and a clean dry towel waiting. Ahhhhh

  6. Emily G

    #4 sounds fabulous to me, as well as Liz’z comment. I’d also love to have five minutes to check my email without hearing bloodcurdling screams erupting from at least four different mouths downstairs. Or maybe a morning where everyone dressed themselves. Woah, that would be crazy. (I have 6 and four of them are 4 and under).

  7. This morning my 12 year old got excited because he thought the calendar said it was maths day on Sunday….

    • bakersdozenandapolloxiv

      Oh boy….looks like he needs to work on his reading 😉

      • Sadly, I think it was my writing that was the problem! That being said, this is the child who will see what he wants to see.

  8. LOL – oh the memories! It took a looonnnng time, but my kids know that I will. not. answer. them. if I am in the bathroom. #parentingwin

  9. I’d really like a whole day to myself drinking coffee with my birth mom. We’ve never had a day just to ourselves.

    • bakersdozenandapolloxiv

      That sounds like bliss! I would love for you to be able to receive that gift some day.

  10. My friend asked for all the diapers changed and that sounds perfect to me. Especially if I can also get #1!

  11. this is so true– these gifts sound heavenly!!

  12. hilarious! i’m currently only mother to a dog, but i can still relate to several of these. why does he want to come into the bathroom with me? why? great post. 🙂

  13. Amen! Hubby asked what I wanted for mother’s day and I told him to be left alone for the day!

  14. I have to say: my husband is amazing. He cooks meals regularly, and always gets breakfast ready for the kids. And, we usually get a good night’s sleep. But every other moment is loud. We are the parents of louder than average kids. I vote for a day of silence for Mother’s Day.

    Oh, and the bliss of being in the bathroom alone, or anywhere alone really. My mom used to lock herself in the bathroom when I was a kid, and I’ve since realized that it was when she needed a break from us (she also kept a pile of books in there). I haven’t gotten to that point yet, meaning that the bathroom is still one of the least private places in my house.

    I recently went to a women’s retreat, and was amazed by the feeling of freedom…like, I could be out after 7 pm and not be worrying about bedtimes. And I could focus on the speakers, which is unheard of with small children around. But one of the nicest things was driving all by myself for several hours with absolutely no sound from the back seat. For Mother’s Day, maybe I just need a soundproof barrier between the back and front seats…although, some of the funniest things I hear are overheard in the car…

  15. I love this!

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