In case you didn’t know, Mother’s Day is coming up in less than a week. I realize that all of you are so organized, you probably already have a gift: selected, purchased, wrapped and sent. Or not. Either way, I’m here to help with a list of Mother’s Day Gifts Moms Actually Want.
1. A good night’s sleep.
This is what moms actually want. But if that is too much to ask (and we all know it is) how about 3-4 hours of sleep alone, in a bed. With clean sheets (or at least ones that don’t smell like vomit, dirty feet or urine). A bed with no soggy diapers, no action figures, no snoring husband, no feverish child, no dogs or cats or wilted dandelions. Oh, and husbands, skip the rose petals. Those would only make a mess and more laundry for mom.
2. A full cup of coffee. Or tea.
Oh, I don’t mean just a cup full of coffee. Any mom can pour a full cup of coffee. I mean a full cup* for her to drink. Without interruption, without being spilled, without worrying about a baby scalding his/her hands while s/he tries to fish out his teething toy. Or LEGO. Or ball of lint which “accidentally” fell in. Three times. A cup of coffee that mom can sip without once needing to: breastfeed a small human, change a poopy diaper or be Elsa from Frozen.
*Bonus points if she gets to drink out on an actual mug instead of a sippy cup.
3. Clean Clothes.
Ones without spit-up or strained peas or organic soy milk or snot or Goldfish cracker crumbs or kitty litter or play dough or poop or “washable” marker. Clothes that have been actually laundered. Once. Not washed three times because she kept forgetting them in the washer and they started to smell. Not ones that have been spot-cleaned with baby wipes. Not “clean” because they were on the top of the dirty laundry basket or on the floor beside her bed.
4. A trip. [to the bathroom] Alone.
Very likely before that special lady became a mother, her fantasy of TRIP included the beach, or mountains, or sailing. It probably did not include sitting on a porcelain chair taking care of business. I guarantee you, however, that any mother with a child under age of 10 fantasizes about this. About a trip to the Ladies’ Room alone. A trip with no frantic knocking on the door. A trip where no one is shoving notes under the door asking for more cookies. A trip where children don’t answer the phone with “my mom can’t talk right now she’s pooping”. A trip where her son does not stick a Matchbox car through the crack, then scream when she don’t return. All she wants is a trip to the bathroom to relieve herself. The relaxing kind of trip dads have because we all know children don’t follow dad to the bathroom…only mom.
5. A home cooked meal. That wasn’t cooked by her.
Who doesn’t love a home cooked meal? A mom, that’s who. A mom who has to plan the meal, prep the meal, cook the meal and clean up after the meal. All the while hearing about how little Augustus is going to die because a pea touched the mashed potatoes, Johnny can’t eat the meatloaf because he just discovered it comes from cows and “cows have faces” and little Prunella only eats cold mac and cheese and baby carrots dipped in ketchup.
6. An equal number of sippy cups and lids.
Remember the dreaded story problems in math class? And how everyone hated them and how you always wondered when you would need to use them in life? Well, here’s another one for you:
Q: If Sally buys six sippy cups and six lids, how long will it take before she has three cups and nine lids…none of which fit on the cups?
A: 18.6 minutes.
How does this happen? No one knows. Just as you will never, ever end up with the same number of socks you started once you open the package, you will never, ever have the same number of sippy cups and lids. It’s just not possible.
So there you have it, the perfect Mother’s Day gift for every mom!
What would your perfect Mother’s Day gift be?