Apollo, 24 days old.
Denial is a funny thing…I found myself disturbed today as I researched tube feeding on the internet. Basically, because it made me realize that the doctors must expect Apollo to have feeding issues for a long time. Like a really long time. Or they wouldn’t do a g-tube which will require surgery again in three months to make it more permanent.
And then I see so many kind comments on here and think, “But they’re over reacting. I mean he’s not that bad.”
Nevermind the level of concern the specialists at the hospital showed. Nevermind that they looked me in the eye and apologized. That kind of seemed like overkill too. I mean, he’s always had these breathing and feeding issues. Nothing has changed. I’ve held him in my arms, seen him struggle to eat. Seen him getting skinnier and skinner. Nothing has changed. Except now he’s been diagnosed.
except now they know what his anatomy looks like. But nothing is different from last week or yesterday.
I guess somewhere in my mind I am still expecting him to “get better”. To take a turn for the better. To gain weight and eat and sleep well. Summer will come. We’ll be outside. In the fresh air. He’ll blossom.
Yes, somewhere in my mind I expect him simply to get better.
And on the flip side of that, you cannot possibly spend a week in a children’s hospital and not count your blessings. Things could always be worse. Always. And even when they get worse, they could still get worse.
Denial. Sometimes its a wonderful thing.