Tucker and Avi (and Hezekiah and Chuck) circa 2007
I changed the title to yesterday’s post, because when I started it, I intended to talk about how, in our large family, I often can’t pinpoint the particular perpetrator (how’s that for some alliteration?!) But since I didn’t actually delve into that, I changed the title. I also began responding to the comments, but felt it would be a bit easier, in this case, to just write another post.
I was chuckling to myself as I read the comments…I had no idea so many people provided areas for their children to keep things under lock and key! I was raised with two brothers who were 4 and 7 years older than me and this wasn’t an issue in our home…and if it was, I’m sure my mom was able to narrow the thief pool down a bit…
And now I’m going to share a story about stealing and lying that I don’t think I’ve shared here before. This happened with my bio kids (lest anyone get the idea that only kids with “special needs” do this type of thing)….
Mordecai, Kalina and Jubilee circa 2007
Child A reported to me that a sucker he had received was missing. Candy is a rare treat in our house, and Child A, a saver, was keeping this candy for a while before he decided to eat it….after some inquiry, Child B came up to me and said, “Mom, I saw Mordecai in the closet with the stick to Child A’s candy…”. Sure enough, there was Mordecai, age 3 and speech delayed, in the closet chewing the stick to death…I don’t remember what the punishment for Mordecai was…nothing to major, I assure you, given his delays, but he did take the fall…I don’t remember how the truth came out (hey, it’s been a few years) but what I do remember is, Child B stole the candy…ate it…gave the stick to Mordecai to cover his/her own tracks, and then proceeded to watch Mordecai get punished in his/her place.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement…such cunning, such deciet…and to watch a helpless preschooler take the fall???
*sigh*
To the reader who asked, I’ve been researching safes on Amazon and will likely be spendng between $30-40 per safe for each of the oldest four children at home. They are not cheap, but I’m not willing to do something flimsy that can actually be broken into.
Oh, and when y’all figure out the answer to children who lie and cheat, would you go ahead and let me know what it is???
Renee,
We use these 4 words:
Death
Judgement
Heaven (or)
Hell…
We teach our kids from an early age (but age appropriately) that all of our choices, every single thought, word and deed in our lives have REAL consequences (visible and invisible). We help them to seek God’s mercy for their sins (sacramentally in confession). We praise God for his Endless Mercy and try to teach them to be merciful with others who hurt them, calling to mind our Lord’s teachings, especially: “forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.”
Someone dear to me was diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder called “Borderline Personality” which essentially means he is incapable of developing a conscience.
Forming a conscience… not an exact science, is it?
Helping injured parties practice forgiveness and mercy… training an easily tempted soul to recognize the serious dangers of following the enemy’s suggestions…
You are in our prayers! (Please keep us in yours)
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Really no other reason. We are human. We sin. Pretty basic. Salvation and surrendered life will be the final answer. till then Hang in there. You can do it you have the King of Kings on your side! Like mentioned yesterday scripture, scripture, scripture. Only God’s word can change hearts. Lots of love. Don’t you have “For Instructions in Righteousness” by Pam Forster. Must have for the raising godly children. xo
In my family we don’t have issues with stealing. I think it is because, instead of asking us, “Would you like someone to do that to you?” my Mom has taught us that stealing and lying is against the will of God, and there are eternal consequences for that. Stealing and lying are not just bad, they are sins. There are also other consequences at home, such as restitution, copying a whole page of Bible verses about the problem, helping the other sibling fix the broken object, etc.
Praying for you.
You can actually get these simple metal safes at the five below stores. I am not sure if you have where you live.. we have them on the east coast. they are a combo like on the front and have a slot in the top for coins and money.. they have a door on them so you could fit candy thru the door.. just an idea.
Sue in NJ
Argh! The joys of parenting are endless lol We feel strongly about not having sweets/junkfood in our house and had a huge overhaul of our pantry, for various reasons. It was not long after this that this particular problem reared its ugly head, I am in no way implying this is such case in your household just sharing my experience. I tried explaining the moral implications of “stealing” and hiding all sweets in different areas of the house (I swear my kids are part beagle because that would always sniff them out lol) and felt as though i was headbutting the proverbial brickwall. I then had a lightbulb moment.
My kids, like all kids, love sweets! And it is very tempting for littlies to keep them in our house even under lock and key. We are by nature sinners and as adults we usually have developed a conscience and self control but for littlies this is much harder. So I came up with a idea that really helped. Every Friday night we have movie night. We take the phone off the hook, set up the lounge room (comfy pillows etc.) and play a movie for everyone to enjoy. Each child on shopping day gets to pick one read only one little treat, i guide them towards healthier choices of treats, and they can indulge their sweet tooth and share in a big bowl of homemade popcorn. This can be modified to once a fortnight/month etc. This works in our home and has eliminated the stealing problem. You could be the one to choose the treats if there is allergies etc. I hope this has helped some, if you do find another solution PLEASE share!
Blessings to you and your family xo
Sounds like what my mom did. She never liked having candy in the house and after it was discovered that one of my younger siblings was stealing candy from other siblings it was the “straw that broke the camels back.” They just stopped “doing” candy. When the kids got it at Sun. school and such my mom would buy it from them. They actually didn’t fight the overhaul much, and liked the trade usually. Now we just have family treats once in awhile after meals. (dark chocolate squares, coconut macaroons, icecream…) That’s not a solution for everyone (and doesn’t “fix” the heart problem of stealing and lying) but it helped us.
Oh the stories I could tell….about the deceipt..lying..manipulation..my son at time now hurts his sister and as she is crying from the other room where we can’t see says ” Oh…name insert….what happened..are you ok”…as she proceeds to tell us that he pushed her down…..sometimes the children with sp needs are the craftiest and most adaptable and unfortunately manipulative…..honest to goodness I used to read articles about kids being sociopaths….the drs say no way….i don’t know….then I read an article that was tongue in cheek about how as the defenition goes most kids are socio paths…lol
A cheaper idea is to use a fishing tackle box or a tool box they often have a place for a lock and key. We have one for out medications. I think we paid around $15 for it plus a few dollars for a lock.
Good Luck! My 4 year old is entering the age of distinguishing between a joke/ story /dishonesty.
Hi there,
Not sure if you know (I know you majored in ling) but there is a theory called “Theory of Mind” that covers-amongst other things-the development of understanding of what others are thinking, feeling and believing. Until children fully develop this they a) don’t have as much compassion, b) don’t understand cause and effect well and c) lie really badly sometimes!! One the the stages they think is last is the ability to understand false belief: that is, understanding that person A thinks B even though they know B is false. Not sure how old your little hot fingered one is, but might be worth keeping in mind. Usually should be fully developed by 5-7, unless other issues involved.
Oh, and Child B in the story above DEFINITELY had a very well developed understanding of false belief! They knew that by doing X they would make you think Y, even though they knew that to be false!
I think it’s great that you are taking steps to protect your older children’s belongings. I had a younger brother that we just couldn’t get to stay out of things. He once stole half of my paycheck out of my purse…over $100. Perhaps your older children could share one safe, or at least team up if they are trustworthy….save some money.
If you get them safes with number combinations, make sure to work with them to set the combo & then keep a back up list of their combos! The day I bought it, we had to throw away a small $10 padlock that my 14yo set herself, then couldn’t remember what she set it to!
We purchased a great Sentry security chest for $19.88 at Walmart; also available at Amazon for $21.85.
why not get some school style lockers and combination locks? Each child could have a locker. I am pretty sure you can buy a used bank on lockers on craigslist ebay for sure.
My daughter knew how to lie by the time she could nod/shake her head. And yes, I am VERY sure she understood what she was doing wrong, and she was ok with it. She struggles with guilt issues now, as in now that she has had unkind things in her own small life, she feels guilty to cause this in others and is very nicely behaved. It didnt hurt to lie when she was small. Her recovery was 2 fold, one she saw an older and much respected friend lying repeatedly and it bothered her. Two-something happened and she truly needed me to believe her. I could not. I could not when it mattered most. I pray this doesnt happen to other children, she goes so far to not tell a lie now that she sometimes becomes sick wondering if she left her wet towel in the floor. She worries and gets out of bed to check. If I say, did you forget your plate on the table? She wont say no, she checks instead. If there is 1 plate on there (say mine or daddy’s) she will say, it might be mine. I do not want to lie. We now have to do therapy in the other direction! Reassure her that she is wonderful and good, and mistakes/accidents are not terrible. So I dont know how to stop lying, the only way chronic lying stopped in our home was by drastic (out of our control) events.
We’ve had problems with the younger children breaking or taking “cool stuff” that belongs to the older boys. I really wanted to get school lockers for everyone, but then had serious sticker shock when I looked into the option. So, I re-purposed my old footlocker from college as a safe place for special belongings. Each child has a large zipper bag with their name on it inside the footlocker. I have the key to the lock which is a lock that would be used on luggage and not the original lock from the footlocker.
Anyhow, I try to open the box when they get their allowance (their banks are in there, too) and when they ask to play with a one of their special toys. I might open it once or twice a week. It is housed in the center of our home under a table (and tabeceloth) that holds our musical keyboard. If anyone were to try to slide it out from there on the wood floor I would hear them from anywhere in the house. No has tried. This has been an inexpensive solution for our family and has worked well to cut down on conflicts over special possessions.